The Zombie Uprising

No, the Zombie uprising is not really happening. Yet. Although those of you who are not planning and preparing should be. Here's an email from my brother, to get you into the spirit of things. (His codename is abbreviated herein as 'GL.' Yes, my brothers and I have codenames. Don't ask.) The three of us (including my other brother, 'SW,') were emailing about possibly buying expensive models of Zentraedi battle-cruisers. Again, don't ask. (But no; I'm not making this shit up.) In the exchange, GL got to talking about his weekend, and what he wrote made me laugh out loud. I'm reposting it here, without permission, partially for comedic value, but also as proof that there are other people in the world who have their share of family-based inherited/acquired mental nuances largely similar to mine.

The back-story is that GL, being Satan, arranged an airsoft weekend in the woods (people shooting each other with guns that fire plastic BBs), where the theme was people vs. zombies. 'Zombies' were unarmed, but must be shot in the head to be killed. If you are grabbed and "bitten" by a zombie, you drop your gun and become one yourself. Again being Satan, he managed to talk a few people into thinking this was a good idea, and got them to join in. Here is the after-action report her included in our email exchange. Not that the spelling and other errors are included from the original, without complaint. I have no respect for someone who can only spell a word one way.


GL: "Zombie Camping WASFUCKINGAWESOME!

"So we got a whole mix of people with about 4 guys and 5 girls, then while we were there drinking while Nory and I were getting the guns set up, our girls met this group of three hot co-eds and invited them over. They were college students visiting CA and camping down the coast. Drunk already of course. So that made our group 2 zombies, 2 guys and 8 screaming panicky have-no-idea-how-to-shoot-a gun girls.

"We set up two lanterns on picnic tables about 50 yeards from eachother with trees and an unlit toilet complex between them so you did't have direct site from one base to the other. And since there was no moon, unless you had your eyes adjusted you couldn't see shit except what was 10 feet from a lantern OR whatever your flashlight was shining on.

[HT COMMENTARY: Don't doubt that camping out on a moonless night was probably an intentional part of GL's planning for the weekend. That is EXACTLY the sort of factor that would be affirmatively considered.]

GL, continued: "We handed out the the 6 glock single action pistols and one mp5 and whoever was fast grabbed them up, each one had about 5-30 shots. Then Lisas borther and I proceaded to run through the woods around them trying to scare them and occasionally stumbling into the light to draw fire. Eventually they either ran out of ammo, or didn't want to be left alone so they tried to make it to the other light (where we had left more clips and the other 3 mp5s)

"Absolute madness ensued. Nory tackles josh, who then tackled lisa. I grabbed one of the new girls while she was stumbling in the dark screaming "guys?! where is everyone going... OH GOD NOO!!" and after that just mayhem. Sarah made it to an mp5 then realized she was the only one left at the 2nd lantern so she tried to go back to the other one, I growled at her from behind a tree and took off in a dead sprint howling after her and she bolted to the 1st lantern, where she suddenly stopped, calmly turned around and emptied about 50 pellets into me as I ran right by her screaming. Nory was chasing Elana, but tripped over one of the new girls that josh tagged and ate shit into the bushes. Eventually there was only one of the new girls left with a flashlight and a jammed glock. Her two friends, josh, lisa and I all surrounded her moaning "braaaaaiiiiiins" and she stumbled out into the dark and realized everywhere she shone her little $2 flashlight there was a zombie coming at her and she just FREAKED!!! her friends totally just tackled her and proceaded to drag her around in the grass as she screamed and giggled feverishly.

"Then we went back and did another round of tequila shots.

"We played three games in all, each one hilarious with little moments that made you think "why are we not doing this every weekend? mixed with God if I wasn't this drunk running into that tree really would have hurt" But in general is was very tame with the humans trying to form some semblance of a plan, but within 10 minutes it degraded into wild dashes of people with flashlights tripping over each other, ranbdom gunshots (and hits), punctuated by the occasional terror stricken scream.

"All in all fucking awesome, we should play when I come up next. And i am coming up to get something for the next high: Chainsaws!!!

[HT COMMENTARY: Things like this are always a part of the festivities when my brothers and I get together. Some variation of this scenario - including chainsaws - will be played out when next we're all in the same state at the same time.]

GL, continued: "I figure I can get one or two more zombie events out of people before it loses it's scare, thats when we change to Texas chainsaw Masacre:
"1 or 2 people with 2 stroke chainsaws with the chains removed walking around in the dark after the humans, they can take lots of hits and decide when enough is enough at which point they fall over and turn off the saw. Then after a minute or two, or after the humans leave the area they get back up and fire that bad boy back up. If they touch someone that person just becomes one of "the family" and runs with normal zombie rules replacing "braaaains" with "goddammit Boy! Go get the meat!!" and "I'm gonna get up in there all deaaap like...." or something.

"See if you can get some people together, need atleast 8, more girls the better. Tell Makayla to get her friends and have a sleep over! We have a surprise for them."

HT: Yup. That's my brother. Don't know where he gets these sorts of ideas from. Really, I don't. Although I think I was the one that pointed him to www.zombiehunters.org, so I might be partially to blame. Yeah. Probably a family thing. But note to readers: this sort of weekend WILL be happening again. Let me know if you're interested, because I'm thinking about flying to CA to participate in the next go-round.