In Response To Questions...

I have received a criticism lately, that I haven't been doing my part to keep my internet readership amused with recent posts. In response: I have been writing. In fact, I have written more in the last three weeks than I have in the three months before that put together. I just can't post what I've written here, for various reasons. Many of my regular readers know or suspect what I'm talking about, and I expect that Blake at least is moderately shocked that I've managed to contain myself to date. Maybe those things will see the light of day, someday. Maybe not.

In the meantime, to keep people amused, here is another excerpt from the Rules, which have also benefited greatly from my recent bouts of mental wheel-spinning. Might even be ready for me to start shopping for editors, so those of you who have full(est) editions - of which there are three authorized hard-copies, and even one autographed pirate copy - should get their comments and criticisms in. Here's today excerpt:

The Jeckle & Hyde Rule

Ladies want to be treated like whores. Whores want to be treated like ladies. Southern girls are usually ladies. Northern girls are usually whores. Western girls are usually psychos.

Explanation: The Jeckle & Hyde Rule

Your girl loves hearing “Baby, you look beautiful tonight.” But she still occasionally needs to hear “Bitch, that is fucking HOT. Come here!”

By dint of the same hormonal swings that result in psychotic and bitchy mood swings, women are many-spendored things. You may not believe this, but in every girl, there is princess, a slut, a lady, a whore, a rockstar, a groupie, and any other character label you can think of. The whole Breakfast Club is there. There are times when she wants to act and be treated like a lady. There are time when she wants to act and be treated like a whore. It’s just a matter of how she’s feeling, which means it’s a matter of which way her hormones are driving her, and how much success (if any) her mind is having keeping the hormones reigned in, or at least flowing in a consistent direction.

The point is that anything you could ever want from a woman, you can probably get from the woman you’re with. You just need to draw it out of her. I understand that you are the Star of the Show, but remember that she lost her copy of the script: she doesn’t know the lines she’s supposed to be reciting, and she’s CERTAINLY not following the stage directions.

If she’s with you, odds are that she’s probably willing to indulge you in whatever it is that you want. You might have to bribe her with some exchange or gift, but brief bargaining aside, she’s probably going to be game for whatever you might be in to. Just ask. Ask politely, but make your desires clear. If you want her to act like a lady, trust me, she can make that happen, in ways that might amaze you. If you want her to act like a whore, she can make that happen too, in ways that will probably amaze you even more. Yes, I’m talking about YOUR wife/girlfriend/whatever. You just need to learn how to get that part of her character to come out and play.

What you have to keep in mind is that she is under all sorts of societal and cultural influences that demand she act like an upstanding girl who doesn’t do anything improper – which refers to her acting above or below her station. Society frowns on that. So, if you want to take advantage of The Whore Inside, you generally have to find some way to coax her out. But don’t ever doubt that she’s in there.

The way to do this is simply to earn her trust. If you can get her to trust you, lots of barriers and inhibitions will go down. She will relax away from rigid cultural guidelines, and stop worrying that you’re going to think of her as a slut or a freak. Or at least, she'll get comfortable (and even turned on) by you thinking of her as a slut of a freak. This will snowball. She relaxes a little, has a good time, leading her to relax further. She probably won't be able to help feeling a bit ashamed about how she's acting, but she will be turned on as well. And so long as you don't go over the top in your enthusiasm, she will dig that you dig the things she is ashamed of, and - even more - she will dig that she can trust you with those parts of her character. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO EARN IT. She needs to be able to trust you not to be a judgmental jackass AT ANY POINT. If you can manage that, you will get there. Although it’s going to take a while, it will be worth it. A woman who can be around you with no reservations or restrictions… let me tell you.

The alternative to spending a lot of time making her comfortable and setting her fears to rest is to create some scene or circumstance where she will relax away from cultural norms for other reasons. The best way to do that is to build a fantasy. Ever notice how girls consider Halloween as an opportunity to dress like hookers, either overtly or some other costume with strong hooker overtones? Ever notice how much freakier she is when you go away on vacation? Those occasions give her some distance from herself, and let her get away from her rigid day-to-day persona, and into whatever role she might really want to play at the time. This can work for you.

So earn her trust. Take her on a vacation. And let her know that you love the whore in her every bit as much as you love the lady. You will be AMAZED.